This is hard!!! We are really not getting very much sleep at all. I am exhausted. Even though there are so many people helping us out - were still ridiculously tired. I asked chris the other night if he thought having these boys was what he expected and he said no way - this is way more difficult. Our boys are 7 weeks old actual age but only 1 and a half weeks old adjusted age ( meaning from their die date) so we still have to treat them as if they were barely born! But they both are enormous! They must just be eating all the time or something.

It is 4 am right now. I have slept for less than 2 hours so far. Ty just vomited more milk than I thought was even close to possible fitting in his tummy. All over chris. IThey both had to shower while I scrubbed the carpet and sheets. I just had nursed him but I was so tired I don't even remember doing it. I'm sure I didnt burp him well. I just cried and cried. I'm just too tired to think straight. I am now holding Dax who is having such awful stomach pains from something I must've eaten. I feel horrible for these poor babies.

I know this will get better eventually. I am just worn out and emotional and my mom is leaving in a few days and we will be alone and I'm terrified. I can't be in charge of four kids! Who thought I could do this? I'm loosing it!

I was driving on the highway today (which rarely happens since I really never seem to leave my house) and I was so tired and I started to think about what would happen if I crashed. Would these boys know how much I love them? Would they know that I am doing everything physically and emotionally possible to care for them? Would my girls remember me as the fun, happy mother that I think I used to be? Or would they just remember the overly tired, snappy and rude mom that I'm being these days? Then I thought, my kids need to know that I love them. And I am doing my very best. I don't have all the answers, and I think I often don't do things the right way. But I am trying.